By ALEXI VENICE—
For those of you in an experimental mood, you better pay attention to the message in this blog post. It’s based on an old saying: “Just because it’s legal doesn’t mean you have to do it.”
Hello Colorado! Thanks for legalizing the recreational use of marijuana, so we can all hear our parents’ voices in our heads—again! “Just because your friends are doing it, doesn’t mean you should.”
“Yeah, but can we try it? Just this once? Please?”
Bill likes to downhill ski. Me, not so much, but I join because I love him. He and our card-playing friends (who have requested ANONYMITY BIG TIME for this post) handcuff me and force me onto a plane each year to go skiing with them.
We’re all in the demographic known as the “Cialis and Celebrex Crowd” (CCC) because people in our demographic apparently need Cialis to get—and maintain—a woody, and Celebrex to stay bendy. I’m not saying that we, or our card-playing friends, need or use these pharmaceuticals. I’m just saying that this is the lens through which Big Pharma sees us and markets to us. Bring out the claw foot tubs full of mud…. DAMN IT! Stop with those already.
Anyway, we usually go skiing mid-week in February because there aren’t any spring-breakers yet, and there are very few families on the slopes (if you avoid President’s Day weekend). During the week, the slopes are populated with other CCC skiers, so we don’t have to worry about crazed teenagers smacking into us on their snow boards. This is a legitimate fear of mine. The other three are much better skiers than I am, but I manage to keep up as long as I have the entire run to myself and can just bomb the shit out of the hill. WATCH OUT YOU OLD MOTHER FUCKERS!
While talking over cards one evening after skiing, we entertained a hypothetical question with our friends that went something like this: “What if we purchased some marijuana and tried it while we’re here?” Giggle. Chortle. Eyes wide. CCC’ers kinda scared. “Are you kidding me?!”
We decided to devote a couple of hours to analyzing the crap out of this hair-brained, but plausible, hypothetical. Our musings went something like this:
Women: Where are we going to smoke a joint? The fire alarm will go off in the condo if we light up in here.
Men: Nobody smokes a joint anymore. Besides, our lungs couldn’t handle it. We’ll ingest edibles.
(Are we even allowed in the door if we use the term “ingest” instead of “eat?” What’s a cool word for eating marijuana?)
Women: Well, that’s kind of disappointing. Remember zigzags? Doesn’t anyone use zigzags anymore?
Men: Can we focus, please?
Women: Oh, right. What kind of edibles? Gummy bears? Brownies? How much is the right amount?
Men: We’ll go to the dispensary and look at the display. They calibrate the dose in individual serving sizes, so they can advise us on how much to ingest.
Women: How will we get there?
Men: The dispensary has a full-service bus that will come to the resort and pick us up.
Women: I’ll bet they do.
Men: They’re catering to our demographic. Pick up the CCC’ers.
Women: Do we feel the high the same from ingesting as we would from smoking? In other words, does it make us feel the same?
Men: Probably not. Maybe? We don’t know. We’ll ask the experts at the dispensary.
Women: When are we going to do this? During cocktail hour? Can we drink wine while getting high? What will happen if we mix the two?
Men: That shouldn’t be a problem. Have you watched any movies from the 70’s?
Women: Should we wait and get high after we come home from dinner? Like, at 9 or 10 pm?
Men: We’re in bed by 10 pm! We want to enjoy the high. We can drink wine with marijuana during cocktail hour, just not too much. Maybe one glass while we eat hors d’ oeuvres.
Women: Speaking of hors d’ oeuvres, will we get the munchies during cocktail hour or later in the evening? Will we be hungry at midnight? Is that when we’ll want to eat a bowl of Captain Crunch cereal?
Men: (Eye roll.)
Women: Will people know we’re high when we go out to dinner?
Men: Not if you control yourselves. No acting paranoid—like looking around for the cops—or laughing uncontrollably.
Women: What if we get the giggles and can’t stop?
Men: Be cool. Don’t make a scene. And, by the way, absolutely no photos or videos!
Women: Right. We should leave our cell phones in the condo. But where? What if we need them at the restaurant?
Men: We’ll make a pact to leave them in a drawer.
Women: That’s like leaving our brains in a drawer. How will we function?
Men: They have an App for that—”How to Function Without Your Cell Phone.”
Women: Yeah. The App is for seniors. I think they call it a Nap, though, not an App.
Men: Yes, you’ll want to nap after you get high.
Women: What kind of marijuana should we try? Indica or Sativa?
Men: Let’s Google the difference.
(Pause while the CCC’ers Google.)
(Fifteen minutes later.)
Men: Okay, it says here that: “Indica strains generally provide a sense of deep body relaxation. Sativa strains tend to provide a more energizing experience.”
Women: We’ll be comatose if we ingest Indica. We better go for the more “energizing experience.”
Men: I heard this stuff is a lot more potent than it was 30 years ago.
Women: That’s why we need the precise dose from the dispensary.
Men: “Close to the dose” will be okay for our purposes.
Women: Will we be able to ski the next day?
Men: Of course. If you couldn’t, there wouldn’t be any twenty-somethings on the slopes.
Women: Will we be sharp the next day? The next week? How about when we return to work?
Men: Probably not so much, but maybe eventually.
Women: Wasn’t there a study by the CDC on how marijuana is really harmful to your brain, especially in the younger and older generations?
Men: Yes. There is that. But we’re not in either generation.
Women: I just don’t know if I’m going to enjoy this. I kinda feel scared and paranoid.
Men: Then you won’t enjoy it.
Women: You go ahead and try it. We’re going to pass this time. (Translation: We want to watch how it affects you then decide.)
Men: No thanks. You sucked all the fun out of it.
And, so, the group consensus was just because it’s legal, doesn’t mean we had to do it. Sativa Divas? Not so much.
We enjoyed our wine. And, yes, we were in bed by 10 pm. (Or earlier!)