Remember: There are no stupid questions, just stupid people who ask stupid questions. I know you aren’t stupid because you’re reading my blog. That makes you very smart and well-informed.

Now for the FAQS #FuckingAnswerTheQuestionSmartass

Why do you blog?

When I was a kid, my older brothers never let me tell a story. They either spoke over me or walked away. I learned to write my stories instead, hoping people would read them someday. I also like making people laugh. The energy invigorates me. PS – My brothers are the biggest fans of my blog now!

You’ve mentioned in your posts that you’re a lawyer. Is that true?

Why do you ask? (Sorry, I get paid to answer a question with a question.) Yes. I still practice law under a different name at a national healthcare system. Doesn’t this make you ridiculously curious? I am a mysterious individual (and that’s not even my best quality).

Why do you use a pseudonym?

Why do certain words start with a silent “p?” Pneumonia. Psychopath. Pneumatic. Ptarmigan. Alexi Venice is simply my alter ego who isn’t an uptight, er–professional, lawyer who works at a prestigious medical center that deserves our respect. Separation of jobs, my friends. Separation of lives, my haters.

Are your blog posts true?

My blog posts are real—not just because of the detail—but because this blog is an unauthorized autobiography. My books, like The San Francisco Mystery Series, are fiction. Yes, there’s some real stuff in my books, too, but they’re not technically based on my life. They’re fiction. In the end, I can’t make this shit up, but I can make other shit up, and I do.

Are you funny in person?

Dead serious. Always professional, all the time. However, I have noticed that my tongue has bite marks on it. I’m not going to share how they got there.

I will occasionally pull an office prank at my day job. When a colleague was on a two-week vacation, and our office hallway was being re-wallpapered, I asked the crew to wallpaper over my colleague’s door. (They heartily agreed, never having had so much fun on the job.) They expertly fit a plexiglass sheet in the doorframe with wallpaper on it, making a seamless integration with the wall. They removed his nameplate from the wall, and we slid a chair and end table in front of his old doorway. When he returned from vacation, his office had disappeared. Still weary from jetlag, he was so confused and believed it was gone. He thought he’d been fired. Priceless! Best practical joke at work EVER!

Are your breasts real or supplemented with implants?

Real. I’m sure I’ll still get emails about this even though it’s on my FAQ page. Fine. Email away.

Should people click like and comment on the posts on your blog?

I would love it if you liked and commented on my posts. I read them all and reply to questions when I’m sober.